Thirty Days of Text – Debuted
September 3, 2008 at 23:02 pm (Short Stories, Thirty Days of Text, Writing) (Art, arts festival, debuted, humour, satire, Short Stories, Thirty Days of Text, Writing)
In the centre of the empty stage stood an easel, the artwork obscured by a draping of red velvet. Everything was prepared for the gala opening of the inaugural Kanimma Winter Arts Festival, a mere five hours away.
A crack of light cut down the aisles between newly upholstered seats and as the heads of the Festival committee entered their voices boomed into the empty hall before disappearing into the vast ceiling above them.
“Are you excited yet? Oh, God, I can feel Art happening, I can feel it in my blood and it feels beau-ti-ful, darlings, just beautiful!” babbled Cyril de Gruun, flinging his green cashmere scarf over his shoulders and opening his arms wide to take in the stage before grabbing the hand of Stephanie O’Hanyon, the artistic director. “Oh, Stephanie, darling, you should be so proud. This whole event, this is all down to you my dear and I tell you, nobody could have done it finer. You are an absolute gem, darling! Now, where’s our little artist boy? I have just got to see this painting!”
As the party ascended the stairs to the side of the stage the sound of heavy footsteps echoed from the gloom upstage. A young man, barely more than twenty, walked slowly towards them over the boards, his face overly thin with jutting, angular bones and his blond hair androgynous and highly styled. His skinny blue jeans ended in a tan pair of cowboy boots and a T-shirt declaring “Fuck Art” peeped out from a vintage patchwork jacket. With his hands pressed together and his fingers tapping at his lips, the way he looked up at them from beneath his bony brows he looked like a cross between a tramp and an elf.
This was Jason Cross, local boy and art prodigy, now studying at the prestigious College for Visual Arts at Burton University in the city. As local boy turned potential international arts star, he had been commissioned to paint a work to be displayed in the Kanimma Performing Arts Centre to prove that not just city people had “culture”. $1 million dollars of State Government, private donation and local council money had been set aside for the commission, not to mention the time and money spent bringing luminaries, critics, academics and gallery owners out into wheat belt for the grand unveiling.
“Aha! There you are, my lad!” said Cyril, grabbing the boy by the shoulders in a sideways hug as everyone gravitated towards the covered artwork. “Alright then, let’s see it! The big debut!”
Raising his eyebrows, waiting for approval from Stephanie, Jason stood by the painting, holding the sheet of velvet that fell in folds nearly to the floor. Pausing to look at each member of the committee, he finally pulled the cover in a sudden flourish.
For a moment, there was complete and utter silence. The kind of silence that makes your skin creep and your heart freeze up as you wait for someone to break it. “You are fucking kidding me,” muttered Pauline Debrovic, theatre director, local property owner and perpetual pants suit wearer, as everyone struggled to comprehend what exactly was in front of them.
But really, what was in front of them, sitting there on the easel waiting to be presented to the world as Kanimma’s contribution to the world of art, culture and higher pursuits, was really quite simple: what they had just paid $1 million dollars for was nothing more than a blank piece of paper sealed in a frame-thick slab of glass.
Eyebrows arched and face poker-straight, Jason waited, savouring every moment . . .
Thirty Days of Text – Sparking
September 3, 2008 at 22:52 pm (Short Stories, Thirty Days of Text, Writing) (amateur scientist, humour, husband and wife, Short Stories, sparking, Thirty Days of Text, worth1000, Writing)
Jacob’s ladders zapped and giant bulbs flickered light throughout the basement. Dr. Gianni giggled in glee as the threw down the switch: on the work table in the centre of the room, a bipedal figure jolted and slowly started to move . . .
“Yes! Yes! My creation – it lives!” shouted Dr. Gianni before his cackles turned to cries of frustration as the creature on the table started to spit and spark, a small tongue of flame inching its way down the electrical cord before fizzing at the socket. The power cut out and he was plunged into darkness. “Igor! IGOR!! Come here this instance!”
“Lance! I’ve told you, never call me Igor again!” snapped a woman’s voice in the darkness as footsteps descended the stairs.
“Sorry, Wendy,” muttered Dr. Gianni. “The power’s gone out again.”
“I can see that, dear,” Wendy retorted, lighting a candle on her way down. “So what did you do this time, you old fool?”
“I was in the process of reanimating the flesh of reptilian beasts long since past, and my creation shuddered to life! It shuddered and for the briefest second it lived, Igor! It lived! But alas, tonight it was not meant to be . . .”
“Cut the dramatics, Lance, and don’t call me Igor!” Wendy waved the candle around the basement until she came across a box. “‘Introduction to Animatronics: DIY Tyrannosaurus kit’. Lance! Where did you get this? Oh God, don’t tell me eBay. You better not tell me you got it from eBay . . . “
“eBay,” Dr. Gianni confirmed, before expertly ducking his wife’s backhand while the candle hissed and rocked in her other hand.
“You idiot!” she read the side of the box. “‘Product of Bhutan’? What the hell . . . ? Do they even have electricity in Bhutan? Or factories? Someone’s ripped you off right-royally! Did you even check the specs on this thing? No wonder you’ve shorted the power again!”
“But I bought the adapter they recommended!”
“And fat lot of good it did you! You’re just lining some con-artist’s pockets, you great dolt! Get upstairs this instance and change that fuse or we’ll have to go without supper. I’ll be damned if I’m cooking in the dark!”
“Yes, Igor,” muttered Dr. Gianni as he stomped up the stairs.
“LANCE!”
Thirty Days of Text – Aerobics
September 3, 2008 at 22:16 pm (Short Stories, Thirty Days of Text, Writing) (aerobics, dogs, humour, satire, Short Stories, Thirty Days of Text, transcript, worth1000, Writing)
(TRANSCRIPT)
WAKE UP AUSTRALIA (SYDNEY EDITION)
11th August 2008, 10:41am
INFOMERCIAL: DOGGIEROBICS
HOST: HELEN-MARIEE SINCLAIR
GUEST: TIFFANY SPOKES-WINTON (& FIFI)
HOST: And next up, have you ever wondered how to keep your four-legged friend in top shape? Throw a ball in the backyard? What if, like many of us these days, you haven’t got the space? Well, our next guest has come up with the perfect solution, so let’s welcome Tiffany Spokes-Winton and Fifi!
(applause)
HOST: Hi Tiffany. (bends down to pat FiFi) Awww, hello you! Aren’t you gorgeous! So, Tiffany, can you tell us about Doggierobics? What’s it all about?
GUEST: Certainly Helen-Mariee. Well, I’m a dog person, as you probably can tell. I love dogs. I grew up with dogs. I couldn’t live without dogs. But, you know, I just found poor FiFi wasn’t getting all the exercise she could, you know, in my little flat and we went for walks and stuff but she was always, like, trying to get in my handbag rather than run around and she was starting to get, you know, a little on the heavy size for a toy poodle like her . . .
HOST: Oh yes, and she’s such a teeny tiny little thing too, isn’t she?
GUEST: Oh I know! She’s so dainty, I just love her to bits. Anyway, I started doing some research and got a lot of experts involved, you know, like Doga practitioners . . .
HOST: Doga, that’s yoga for dogs, right?
GUEST: Yes, that’s correct. So we got Doga practitioners on board, holistic dog experts, FiFi and I went over to LA where they’re doing some incredible things for dogs, you know, dogs in big cities with busy lifestyles, and, like, we came up with this fantastic new program called Doggierobics.
HOST: That sounds great, Tiffany. Now, I understand that it’s a work out for both you and your dog?
GUEST: Totally. We’ve combined both a dog work out with a human work out so you’re really multitasking. It’s great for people, you know, who are like really busy and this way you can exercise your dog and yourself at the same time! We offer other programs as well and we have a little boutique in the studio with all sorts of designer gear for your dog so it’s like a one-stop-shop!
HOST: That’s a fantastic idea! And where are you at now with Doggierobics?
GUEST: Well, we now have a complete thirty minute work out program available at our studio, Dogs with Bods, and we’re also offering Doga and Aromatherapy for Dogs and a Nutritionist for obese dogs who want to keep trim, so, you know, we’ve got so many bases covered.
HOST: Sounds like doggie-heaven! And we’ve just got the details on screen now for anyone interested. And can any breed of dog do doggierobics?
GUEST: We’ve mostly designed it around toy dogs and small dogs, you know, the kind of dogs that fit in places with not a lot of space so they need more of a hand to keep fit.
HOST: So no St. Bernards then?
GUEST: (laughing) No, definitely not!
HOST: Ok, now you’re all in your aerobics gear and we’ve got some floorspace set up for you over here, can you give us a demonstration?
GUEST: Sure!
HOST: (as GUEST and DOG prepare) I just love how FiFi matches your outfit. She’s such a gorgeous baby pink.
GUEST: I know! She is so adorable in pink! (to DOG) Aren’t you Baby? Aren’t you so adorable in pink? (to HOST) Alright, I think we’re ready! Can we get some music?
HOST: Oh yes. Hit it!
(loud techno plays. GUEST & DOG enact a series of movements where GUEST lifts her own legs while stretching DOG up on two legs and pulling paws. DOG yelps and GUEST indicates to stop.)
HOST: Oh, dear, looks like FiFi’s in a bit of trouble there. Maybe pulled a doggie-hammie . . .(DOG yelps/screams and limps; GUEST looks panicked) Ah, I think maybe we ought to leave it there . . . we’ll be back with WAKE UP AUSTRALIA right after this break! (DOG collapses and GUEST screams; quick cut away to morning park scene with logo)
(AD BREAK)
HOST: Well, wasn’t that fun? FiFi was . . . I mean, is such a little cutie. And just for those who missed it, the details for the Doggierobics studio are . . .
Look Out!
August 25, 2008 at 23:58 pm (Funnies, Internet Humour, interesting links) (dinosaurs, funny, funny signs, humour, interesting links, signs, ting links)
See more at HeyDoofus' blog!
I can’t believe I’ve forgotten to post about this yet! Some important news from across the Tasman – dinosaurs have invaded Auckland!! Keep an eye on that site, as updates will be posted as they come to hand from our trusty reporter in the field. In fact, there’s even been some evidence of them in and around Melbourne too! I’ve seen ‘em with my own eyes!
The pubs aren't safe anymore!!
So with all this danger in the world, we need plenty of warning signs around to keep the world safe and bad things away . . . kinda like what this guy’s done:
From Engrish.com
Of course, you want to make sure people have got the right idea. Sometimes you need to exactly clarify what you mean, like in this instance:
From Engrish.com
And that’s why I love thesauruses!
